Things I Am Afraid to Tell You

If you are a blogger, or if you follow a lot of blogs, you probably know about this already.  One blogger’s courageous admission that there was more to her than what she shared every day on her blog led to a movement.  The theory is that we can all be brave together so a lot of people post their lists on the same day.  And now I’ve had the opportunity to join in the third wave.  So without further ado, here are some things I am afraid to tell you.

1.  Although I believe in and write about the ideals of attachment parenting, I have smacked my kids on occasion.  Sometimes that represents a failure to be patient or to express anger appropriately, but sometimes I really think a smack on the fanny is what’s needed, even though I understand the theory behind always parenting gently.

2.  What goes on when my family is behind closed doors at times bears little resemblance to the image we are projecting to the world.  There is a lot of yelling.  Also a lot of love.  Since every family I’ve ever known well has its own secrets, I’m assuming yours does as well and you won’t think less of me for this.

3.  I really can’t stand to look at myself in the mirror.  The fact is, I’m fat.  And unlike a lot of people who typically think they are fatter than they really are, I usually forget all about it and start feeling pleased with myself until I see a mirror, or God forbid, a picture.  You won’t find many photographs of me and that is on purpose.

4.  My faith is serious business to me and I firmly believe in the teachings of my Church, even those that are very unpopular in the country and large and those that are widely disregarded by many Catholics.  I am afraid that my “liberal” friends will think less of me for this.  On the flip side, I am afraid that my “conservative” friends will think I am not “Catholic enough” if I tell them that I believe that Church teachings on war and poverty are way more important than those on gay marriage.

5.  I was convinced I would be a perfect mother with perfect kids.  Neither is true.  I fall short every single day.  Sometimes I think I have no idea what I am doing.  Some days I think I have too many kids.  (Although I would not send any back.)

6.  When I read the amazing writing of some of my blogging friends, and hear about their plans and see all their successes, and think of how excited I get about my own (minuscule) page views, I think that it’s some kind of mistake and I really have no right to be hanging around online with these people.

7.  Despite all the self-deprecatory disclosures that precede this final entry, I really am disgustingly conceited about certain aspects of myself.

Whew!  I did it.  Let the chips fall where they may.  Do you want to play too?  You can comment below!

I have excellent friends who agreed to post with me today. Thank you so much to all of them and be sure to go check out what they have to say as well. (Please leave us some comment love, here and there, it helps so much to get support on vulnerable posts like these!)

Jill at Terra Savvy | Erica at The Elbow | Jen at Taking Off the Mask | Kate at Modern Home Modern Baby | Laura at My So Called Sensory Life | Monique at Razing Mayhem | Caroline at Salsa Pie | Leslie at Life In Every Limb | Tammie at Tam.Me | Melanie at Inward Facing Girl | Amy at Old Sweet Song | Michelle at Early Mama | Jen at Jen Epting | Leslie at Lights and Letters| Sarah at SAWK Photography

HISTORY: The very first one by Jess Constable inspired Ez to write her own and invite others to join her on Creature Comforts. Meg at Mimi + Meg started a second round.

THINGS I KNOW: Raising Teenagers

Today I am joining in Singular Insanity’s weekly link up:  Things I Know.   In an uncertain world, there’s a certain appeal in believing that there is anything we are sure about, and pride in celebrating and sharing lessons learned and wisdom gained.  And I do know a lot of things, some of them instinctively and others through hard life experiences.  This week I am telling you what I know–or think I know, anyway–about teenagers.

Let’s be honest from the start: teenagers are going to rebel. They are going to do things they shouldn’t and if they don’t actually get into trouble it’s only because they didn’t get caught. If your teenager always conforms exactly to your wishes, either you don’t know what they are really up to or their wishes are currently the same as yours. At some point when their wishes diverge from yours too much, your child will choose to do what she wants to do and not what you want her to do. The day will come sooner or later and it’s a normal part of growing up.

Teddy and Jake at 17 and 18

You cannot take the blame or the credit for how your teenager has turned out.  There are two reasons for this.  One is that–as my own teenager told me–kids are a product of genetics and environment and you are not morally responsible for the genes you passed on and the inherent temperament with which your kid was born.  But much more important is a revelation I had last week. You teenagers HAVE NOT TURNED OUT YET.  They are nowhere near done and you cannot judge the finished product right now any more than you could judge a cake by eating half-cooked batter.

Think about your own teenage days, and if you were a perfect teenager like me then think about some of your classmates. Chances are you are friends with them on Facebook now, and they have homes and significant others and steady jobs and more money than you do. They have teenagers of their own whom they love and worry about. And you thought they would never amount to anything, didn’t you? Well you were wrong and if you are worrying about the future of your own teenagers think about that. The vast majority of them turn out fine if they make it through their teens.

And that’s no laughing matter, is it? Because what with teen drivers and drinking and drug use and stupid teenage tricks and feeling invulnerable, there are some teenagers who don’t get to grow up and their parents never see how they would have turned out. That leads me to more Things I Know about teenagers: the two most important tasks in parenting teens.

The first one is keep them alive.  That sounds melodramatic but what it really means is that the truly important rules, the nonnegotiable things, the things you should really be worrying about, are those that impact your teenager’s safety.  Because a bad grade may seem like it will have a dire effect on his future. But it’s really not nearly as big of a deal as ensuring that he HAS a future.  Spend less time worrying about homework and grades and more finding out who your kids’ friends are and where they are going and what they are doing once they get there.

The second task? Preserve your relationship with them. Are you prepared to say my way or the highway and mean it?  Do you really want to go there? Is maintaining compete control worth foregoing a relationship with your grandchildren and your adult child down the road? Because that happens to a lot of parents who are too critical and punitive and authoritarian.  Their kids break free one day and don’t come back.  Or when they do it’s just a matter of politeness and that distance is never bridged.  Do you want that to be you? If not, then let love guide your relationship at every turn, not pride.  Don’t let maintaining control–which you are going to lose anyway–which you are SUPPOSED to lose anyway–guide your actions when you have a problem with your child.

So many people have the kid thing backwards.  They want newborn babies to sleep through the night in a separate room so that they can “get their lives back”–whatever that means–but they hover over these same kids when they are teens, waiting up for them at night, monitoring their homework, telling them what colleges to go to. No. The teen years are a time for letting go, for allowing more and more independence, for encouraging your kids to make good decisions, for trusting them to be the architects of their own lives.  Remember you cannot tell anyone anything.  There are very few mistakes that cannot be fixed down the road, and they are not going to learn from the ones YOU made, no matter how much you wish they could.  They have to make their own.  So let them.

In Which TIME Magazine Channels Its Inner National Enquirer

Inquiring minds want to know . . . does that woman on the cover of Time Magazine REALLY nurse her kid in that position?  And did she REALLY think she was furthering the cause of extended breastfeeding by posing for that controversial cover shot?  And did it ever occur to her that she was exploiting her kid and her relationship with him for personal gain?

I hate to give this any more attention than it has garnered already. (Good job, Time; your tactic worked!)  I haven’t even read the article and don’t intend to.  But if anyone ever doubted that the sources we once counted on to inform us of the news are now in the business of CREATING the news, look no further than this stunt.  Time doesn’t care to inform us about the truth of extended breastfeeding and the benefits of attachment; they wish to inflame us and create a controversy where there doesn’t need to be one.

The reason I’m responding instead of ignoring is because I’m an expert on extended breastfeeding.  And in the interest of my passion for the truth, I want to share my experiences so that the cover of Time won’t be all that rises to your brain when the subject comes up.

Just like anyone my age, I grew up seeing babies fed mostly with bottles.  For a variety of reasons having to do with the culture of the times and poor advice, four months was the longest my mother nursed a baby.  My impression of breastfeeding, even when I was first pregnant, was that it was something you did for a few months and then you switched to bottles.  I saved the formula coupons I received in the mail while I was pregnant.

But, as you know, I love to read.  It was inevitable that I would do a lot of reading while I was pregnant and a few books I read at that time changed my life.  Emily never had a bottle of formula and I nursed her for 26 months.  I nursed Jake for 38 months (and yes, that means I nursed him throughout my pregnancy with Teddy, and nursed the two of them together until they weaned when Teddy was 26 months old).  William nursed at least until Lorelei was born (which is 42 months) and I don’t remember exactly but I know Lorelei was past four when she stopped.  (Yes, I nursed babies for 13 years.  Give me a medal.)

When Emily was born, the above would have sounded just as weird to me as it may sound to you.  But it’s different when it’s your own kid, your own baby.  Sure, you look at a four-year-old next to a newborn and the contrast seems extreme,  But when you are in the middle of mothering, there’s little difference between nursing your four-month-old or your six-month-old, your one-year-old or your eighteen-month-old, and so on.  It’s a seamless transition.  Do you think anything about letting your ten-year-old sit in your lap?  Would you think it was odd if he wanted to climb into bed with you if he had a nightmare?  Is it strange that my eighteen-year-old son likes to hug me and say, “I love my Mommy?”  I don’t know, maybe you will think it’s strange, but whatever.  You probably have your own sort of strangeness in your house.

I didn’t stand around in the kitchen with my kid on a step stool.  I didn’t pose for any cameras.  I lay down with my preschoolers and bedtime and naptime.  We cuddled on the couch.  They wanted to nurse for comfort when they were hurt or upset.

There are many benefits to extended breastfeeding.  The nutritional and health benefits don’t go away as the child ages.  I have the healthiest children I know, bar none.  Emily has not visited a doctor for illness since she was TWO YEARS OLD.   We’ve had one earache per kid.  No strep throat.  One or two antibiotic prescriptions apiece throughout childhood.  My two younger kids slept with me from birth.  There were no sleep issues or problems.  I never had any difficulty getting anyone down for a nap or to sleep at night or back to sleep if they woke up (once I stopped stressing about solving sleep problems, which I may post about another time).  If someone was hurt or sad, I could comfort them easily.  And my kids are not clingy at all.  Having their needs fully met as infants, toddlers, and preschoolers helps them feel good about themselves, helps them feel secure and safe.  We live in a society that pushes independence on little kids and denies it to big kids.  We stick babies in their own rooms and expect them to sleep through the night and then we monitor our teenagers’ homework and grades and go with them to college orientation and tell them what classes to take.  That’s BACKWARDS, people.

And you know what?  Extended breastfeeding is NORMAL.  It’s  NATURAL.  Around the world, 50% of babies are still being nursed at the age of 20-23 months.  In many countries the figure is much higher.  The WHO recommends children be nursed until the age of two or beyond.  If you don’t want to, that’s fine.  But biologically it is not strange, not weird, not abnormal.  It’s what women’s breasts are FOR, and even though Time meant to be provocative, it’s pretty damn pathetic that people can be whipped into a fury over a woman using her breast for its intended purpose on one magazine cover while not saying a WORD about all the synthetic almost-bare breasts adorning the covers of all the other magazines.

Source: http://www.whattoexpect.com/toddler/breastfeeding-a-toddler.aspx

55 Reading Questions

I have a Tumblr, which you can find here.  I don’t do much with it; I think I’m not really in the demographic it’s meant for, but I signed up so I could see what my daughter posts.  And recently I happened upon this list of questions from timaspublishing via bookaddict24-7.  Y’all know how much I love to read so I thought this would be fun. (It’s self-indulgent, I know.)

 
55 Reading Questions

 
1. Favorite childhood book?

Really?  There are SO MANY.  The first “big” book I read and loved was Black Beauty.  I read it 8 times before I started first grade. (Yes, I was a precocious little reader.)

http://papertrail.candutch.ca/shopping/pgm-more_information.php?id=915&=SID

2. What are you reading right now?

Well, this is a little embarrassing.  I can’t recall the name of it and I will no doubt forget all about it within 24 hours of reading it.  It’s one of my guilty pleasure books, a Love Inspired Suspense paperback that I got for free by temporarily joining their book club.  (Update:  That’s what I WAS reading when I started writing this.  Since then I’ve read Up Country for my book club, The Horse and His Boy which I found laying around the house somewhere, and probably more that I can’t remember.  I’m actually currently reading Freakanomics.)
3. What books do you have on request at the library?

None.  I only do libraries in the summer.
4. Bad book habit?

I’m actively training myself in the use of bookmarks right now.  I usually leave my books lying open and face down.  I have, however, stopped bending the corners of the pages down.
5. What do you currently have checked out at the library?

None (see above).  I think my privileges are probably suspended at the moment anyway.  I am just terrible about returning books on time.
6. Do you have an e-reader?

Nope, and I don’t want one.  Hope I never cave on this. (Update:  My birthday has come and gone and now I own an iPad with an app on it that opens the doors to the wide world of e-reading.  I have a friend who only e-publishes a lot of her work and I want to read her stories.  Don’t look to find me curled up with my iPad reading Gone with the Wind any time soon.)
7. Do you prefer to read one book at a time, or several at once?

One at a time.
8. Have your reading habits changed since starting a blog?

No.  I would not be reading right now, I’d be working.  Or perhaps doing dishes.
9. Least favourite book you read this year (so far)?

I have probably read 50 books or more this year and I don’t keep a list.  I don’t recall actively hating any book but most of the romances are pretty forgettable.
10. Favorite book you’ve read this year?

Probably The Quiet Game.

11. How often do you read out of your comfort zone?

Never.  Why would I take something that’s a pleasure and make it unpleasant?  Besides, my zone is pretty big.
12. What is your reading comfort zone?

See above!  I like stupid romances, mysteries, suspense, religious books, parenting books . . . I especially like legal thrillers.
13. Can you read on the bus?

As a child I did it all the time.  These days I would get sick.  I can only read on the interstate (not, of course, while driving).
14. Favorite place to read?

In my bed.
15. What is your policy on book lending?

No problem.
16. Do you ever dog-ear books?

I used to but I’ve stopped.  I don’t want to mutilate the books I’m keeping and I want the ones I’m getting rid of in good enough condition to be accepted by McKay’s.
17. Do you ever write in the margins of your books?

Not since college.
18. Not even with text books?

LOL.  See above.  It was hard for me even to get used to doing that.  I know people make notes in books and sometimes it seems like it would be a good idea but I just can’t bring myself to do it.
19. What is your favourite language to read in?

English.  I am proud of having at one point been able to more or less read books in French but now that my French, Latin, and Old English texts are gone I doubt I will be replacing them.
20. What makes you love a book?

A gripping page-turning story.  Characters I get emotionally involved with.  A sense of place and time.
21. What will inspire you to recommend a book?

I will recommend non-fiction books that made enough of an impression on me to actually influence what I DO (or try to do).  As for fiction, that depends on what the people I’m talking to are looking for.
22. Favorite genre?

Legal thrillers/mysteries.
23. Genre you rarely read (but wish you did)?

Spiritual/Theology.  I have tons of them but most days my brain is too tired.
24. Favourite biography?

You know, I get these but never seem to get through them.  I had a lovely one of St. Thomas More that I read part of, and another enormous one about Dickens.  These were in the to-be-read pile pre-fire.  I cannot remember when I’ve read one as an adult.  Now, as a child, I read tons.  There was a shelf in the school library with somewhat simplified stories, always starting with the famous person’s childhood, and I loved those.  I was especially fond of Helen Keller and read every book about her I could find.
25. Have you ever read a self-help book?

I’m sure I have.  My husband is a big fan, and he had a couple of shelves full.  But I can’t really remember any, unless you call parenting books self-help books.   In general, I’m suspicious of any books that promise smooth sailing and a happy life in a few easy steps.  Life is hard and I don’t know any shortcuts.
26. Favourite cookbook?

I’m not a huge cookbook collector.  Mostly I don’t use recipes.  The two go-to books I relied on were the 1970s edition of The Joy of Cooking and the Better Homes and Gardens New Cookbook.  If I needed to make a pie crust or cook a lobster tail that’s where I turned for advice.  I had a couple of beautiful cookbooks with gorgeous pictures and never got around to making a single thing out of them.  The exception to all this is Secrets of Jesuit Breadmaking, which I loved loved loved and made almost every single recipe in.  I even broke my writing in books rule to put personalized comments on the recipes, how we liked them, what changes I made.  And later I bought the author’s second book on making soups.  These are books I will definitely be replacing, because not only are the recipes good, they are spiritual books filled with interesting and inspiring stories.  And the premise of the bread-making book is that making bread is a spiritual experience–the author examines his conscience as he mixes his dough each day.

27. Most inspirational book you’ve read this year (fiction or non-fiction)?

Couldn’t tell you.  Can’t remember.  I guess I wasn’t that inspired.
28. Favorite reading snack?

N/A since I usually read in bed.
29. Name a case in which hype ruined your reading experience.

For me, it’s usually the opposite.  I’m suspicious of hype.  I did not read the Harry Potter books for years because I figured a book everyone was making such a fuss over was probably lowbrow (I’m an intellectual snob).
30. How often do you agree with critics about a book?

I don’t really seek out critical comment in advance.  I read what looks good to me.
31. How do you feel about giving bad/negative reviews?

Since I don’t have a huge reach and am not likely to end anyone’s career with my opinion, I enjoy it.
32. If you could read in a foreign language, which language would you choose?

Latin.

33. Most intimidating book you’ve ever read?

I guess Madame Bovary, in French, for a college French Lit class.  It was exhausting and took forever, and I had to cheat and read the last few chapters in English.  And then after all that suffering I hate the book anyway.

34. Most intimidating book you’re too nervous to begin?

I wouldn’t say I’m nervous but I know I should read things like War and Peace and Ulysses and the thought makes me exhausted.

35. Favorite Poet?

Oh, Wordsworth, definitely, courtesy of Professor Betz and his Sophomore Honors English course.  Professor Betz was my advisor in college.  He’s a renowned Wordsworth scholar who spends summers hanging out in the same places Wordsworth did.  I find that when someone is that passionate about a subject, he cannot help but transfer some of that passion to his students.  I’m also fond of William Blake and all the Romantic Poets.  I love Poe.  I can appreciate modern poetry, but I will always prefer the kind that rhymes.
36. How many books do you usually have checked out of the library at any given time?

Probably around ten.
37. How often have you returned books to the library unread?

Not too often, occasionally at the end of the summer when I know that if I don’t I will probably never remember and will end up with another enormous fine and be stuck without the use of my card until they have another one of those days where I can trade them cans of food to erase the fines!
38. Favorite fictional character?

How can I answer that? I don’t think I can.  There are so many characters that I love.  Today I will go with Will McLean from The Lords of Discipline, arguably my favorite book of all time.

39. Favourite fictional villain?

I’m supposed to like the villains?  Today I will go with Rhett Butler.  I know, he’s a scoundrel, not a villain, but I really do think he gets off lightly.  Scarlett would never have gotten into so much trouble if he hadn’t egged her on.

40. Books I’m most likely to bring on vacation?

Something I’d like to read aloud in the car.  This used to be a favorite pastime of mine and my husband’s.  I also bring all the magazines I’m behind on.  Because I read ALL THE TIME, I have no need for a special “beach book.”  I ALWAYS find time to read, so it’s not a priority on vacation and I might actually watch t.v (which I don’t do at home) instead!
41. The longest I’ve gone without reading.

I gave up reading for Lent in the second grade.  Dumb idea and I was miserable.  It sure was a sacrifice though.  I did not read a book for about a month after the house burned down.  For one thing, all my books burned up.  I was also overwhelmed and exhausted.  Too, there was some kind of weird element of, “My books are all gone.  I can’t read any more.”  I didn’t even FEEL like reading.

42. Name a book that you could/would not finish.

I can’t think of one.  I know I had a few that I put down halfway through but I always planned to get back to them.  And that’s rare.  Usually if I’ve gone to the trouble to start I will finish.
43. What distracts you easily when you’re reading?

Nothing.  It’s a problem.
44. Favorite film adaptation of a novel?

The Lord of the Rings films.  I can remember mourning as a child that it would be impossible to bring those books to the screen, but they did it and did it well.
45. Most disappointing film adaptation?

Umm . . . most of them?  I know that you have to make changes when bringing a book to life on the screen.  But when I cannot understand WHY the changes were necessary, I don’t like it.  The first thing that comes to mind is “The Secret of Nimh,” loosely based on Mrs. Frisby and the Rats of NIMH, one of the best children’s books ever.  WHY was her name changed to Mrs. Brisby in the movie?  Why did the rats look like terrifying otherworldly creatures instead of, you know, rats?

46. The most money I’ve ever spent in the bookstore at one time?

I may have spent around $100 at Christmas time.  But that’s not typical.  I get almost all of my books used.
47. How often do you skim a book before reading it?

I might look at a book a little first to decide whether to buy it.  But once I’ve got it at home I don’t skim it.  Why would I want to spoil the surprise?
48. What would cause you to stop reading a book half-way through?

I would have to be either very frightened or very bored.

49. Do you like to keep your books organized?

Yes, I like to keep series together of course, and I had a whole bookshelf devoted to series.  I had all the “best” books in the living room, and they were loosely grouped around themes–literature, language, coffee table . . . I kept the things that I hadn’t read yet, or were very special to me, on the bookshelf in my room.  Things are different now, with stacks on the table in my room, the classics we got at the used bookstore at Spring Hill in our one book case in the living room, kids books in the playroom, and soot-stained books in the garage.
50. Do you prefer to keep books or give them away once you’ve read them?

I used to keep a lot more than I do now.  Now I only keep them if it’s a series I’m collecting or I really, really love them.  Otherwise they go to McKay’s or the church Book Swap.
51. Are there any books you’ve been avoiding?

If I was, they are gone now.
52. Name a book that made you angry?

Breaking Dawn.  Waste of money.  Waste of time.  Waste of potential for moral uplift foreshadowed in the earlier books in the series.  Basically badfic and wish fulfillment.

53. A book you didn’t expect to like but did?

The Harry Potter series.  Did it EVER exceed my expectations.  The Sue Grafton ABC murders.  These are EXCELLENT.  I thought they’d be gimmicky but they are first class.

http://blog.jaclynday.com/post/7010671776/what-ive-read-sue-graftons-kinsey-millhone

54. A book that you expected to like but didn’t?

11/22/63.  I DID like it, but not as much as I thought I would.  It had some problems that I think Stephen King gets away with because he’s, you know, STEPHEN KING.
55. Favorite guilt-free, pleasure reading?

I call it a guilty pleasure but really, what’s to feel guilty about?  I like to read Love Inspired Christian romance novels which I can almost always get for free through book club offers.  I like to read them because they are mildly entertaining but I have no trouble putting them down, whereas if I get involved in a good thriller I may be up half the night or neglect other things I need to be doing.  And I prefer the Christian ones even though the spirituality can be a bit ham-handed, and even though they are always non-denominational Protestants (one of these days I am going to write a Catholic one, or get my daughter to do it!) because there are no sex scenes in them.  No, I don’t have moral objections to love scenes in novels, but after all the romance novels I consumed as a teenager, they frankly bore me.  And it’s also nice to read about characters who have the same moral values that I have in that area.

Okay, if you got this far, now it’s your turn.  Answer some or all of the questions, either in the comments below, or in your own blog post (post the link in the comments)!  I’d like to hear what YOU have to say about books and reading.

Chips off the Old Block

More on the topic of when your kids are like you . . .

I really should have taken a picture, even though all you would have seen was the backs of their heads. The other night ALL FIVE of our kids (Emily being home from college for the summer already!) were lounging around the family room watching Star Trek (yes, of course it was the original series. And they were watching “Amok Time,” one of my favorite episodes ever.)

I cannot remember a time I didn’t know about Star Trek. I watched reruns with my father on Sunday afternoons. My cousin chased me around from time to time pretending to be Sulu (don’t know why!). I cried when Spock died (one of the first times I can remember crying over a movie).

So I liked the show, but then I met John and he was a FAN. He had Star Trek novels and technical manuals. He got a calendar every year. He had DOLLS, for heaven’s sake! He’d been to conventions! Yes, he was a Trekker (NOT Trekkie. That’s insulting.).

After we got married, we used to go to Blockbuster every few days and check out two episodes. We watched them all in chronological order. We started collecting them. I gave John some awesome Star Trek gifts from the Franklin Mint–a 3-dimensional chess set, a model of the Enterprise, a phaser. He acquired a tricorder that actually made noises! We collected tons of memoirs and novels and novelizations. We bought more dolls on eBay. We had a vision of the room where one day we would display this magnificent collection.

Well.

We still have the books.

Anyway, let’s cheer up, shall we? On a recent trip to McKay’s (our used book and movie and CD and album store that we LOVE) John acquired the entire original series on DVD. Jake has started watching them almost every night. A few evenings ago William and Lorelei got into the act. John had very definite ideas of what he wanted to watch on t.v. before bed but the little people had waited ALL DAY to watch Star Trek with Daddy and they weren’t taking no for an answer. “If you won’t watch it,” proclaimed William darkly, “There will be CONSEQUENCES.” Guess who won that argument?

All of which led to that golden moment the other night in which without argument all five kids sat entranced in front of the t.v. watching Spock throw plomeek soup at Nurse Chapel while John and I worked in the office and listened, able to visualize the whole thing without even looking at the screen.

(I did go out to watch Spock smile at the end, though. That’s my very favorite Star Trek moment.)

I Hear America Crying

I hear America singing, the varied carols I hear;
Those of mechanics—each one singing his, as it should be, blithe and strong;
The carpenter singing his, as he measures his plank or beam,
The mason singing his, as he makes ready for work, or leaves off work;
The boatman singing what belongs to him in his boat—the deckhand singing on the steamboat deck;
The shoemaker singing as he sits on his bench—the hatter singing as he stands;
The wood-cutter’s song—the ploughboy’s, on his way in the morning, or at the noon intermission, or at sundown;
The delicious singing of the mother—or of the young wife at work—or of the girl sewing or washing—Each singing what belongs to her, and to none else;
The day what belongs to the day—At night, the party of young fellows, robust, friendly,
Singing, with open mouths, their strong melodious songs.

                  — Walt Whitman

We heard America singing–for real–last Thursday at the Spring Concert at Lorelei’s school.  I’ve endured attended countless plays, pageants, and concerts in my 21 years of parenting, but this one stands out.  In between renditions of our National Anthem and Yankee Doodle (that was Lorelei’s class) and other patriotic songs enthusiastically performed by cute kids and accompanied by hand gestures, we were treated to proclamations of the Gettysburg Address, the First Amendment to the Constitution, Martin Luther King’s “I have a dream” speech, and other words that symbolize what America stands for.

“I’m American, you’re American!” sang the children, and they were the melting pot personified up on the stage.  No one needs to preach diversity when you can see it right in front of you.  There is no better explanation of what it means to be an American than to see the great-grandchildren of slaves standing on a stage with white kids whose ancestors  probably landed two hundred years ago along with more recent arrivals from Asian and Latino countries, all of them smiling and singing in English “This land is my land.”

So with a happy tear in my eye I went on to my next engagement, a meeting of my book club at which we watched the famous movie adaptation of our most recent book, To Kill a Mockingbird.  It’s so easy, watching this vivid reminder of the dark history of race relations in the South, to feel complacent about how far we’ve come.  My older daughter attends college in Mobile, Alabama, and of course her classmates are as diverse as Lorelei’s are.  Twenty years ago, the sight of an interracial couple walking down the streets of Knoxville would make you look again.  No longer. 

But the human heart is a dark and secret place, and prejudices still lurk there.  All Tom Robinson’s troubles started, remember, when he walked past a white woman’s house.  And look what happened to Trayvon Martin, who had the gall to “walk while black” through a mostly white neighborhood.  That he had the legal right to be there, that he was actually a guest there, didn’t matter to a man who saw only the color of his skin and made predictable assumptions thereupon.

Prejudice against certain immigrant communities of the past, like the Irish and the Italians, may have died out, but there are new immigrants to take their place as the targets of our collective suspicion.  Just yesterday I heard someone talking about “all these people with their strange religions” coming in and changing our country which was “founded upon Christian principles.”  Religious freedom is one of the bedrocks upon which this nation was founded, actually.  And what is the Number One Christian Principle if it’s not “Love one another”?

At the end of To Kill a Mockingbird, Scout walks Boo Radley (surely the personification of the hated and feared “other”) back to his house.  She stands on his porch and realizes that she had “never seen [the] neighborhood from this angle . . . [Atticus] said you never really knew a man until you stand in his shoes and walk around in them.  Just standing on the Radley porch was enough.”  Later that evening she says of a character in a book Atticus is reading to her: “He hadn’t done any of those things . . . Atticus, he was real nice . . . ” and he replies, “Most people are, Scout, when you finally see them.”

 

 

The Future Is in Her Hands

I recently wrote about how cool it is when your kid is good at something that you aren’t able to do at all.  But how about when your kid is BETTER than you at something you are pretty good at?

My family are writers from way back.  My mother has a journalism degree; a former journalist for the Catholic press, she’s tried her hand at everything from children’s books to plays to feature articles on a variety of topics.  Her great-grandfather was the founder of the Kentucky Irish-American newspaper.    I know there are more and if she’s reading this she will probably chime in!

I like to think I am a good writer.  I’ve been making up stories before I could write them down.  I was co-editor of my high school paper and won awards back in the day.  I churned out A earning papers throughout college and got an Honors degree in English.  I was a reporter and columnist for the Catholic press for many years.  I wrote some pretty good X-Files fanfiction a few years back.  And of course there is this blog.

But my daughter Emily is the real writer.  She writes all the time–it’s necessary to her.  She fills up notebooks with partial stories, lists of names for characters, character sketches, story ideas.  She’s written two entire short novels.  She’s majoring in Creative Writing and plans to go to graduate school to continue studying writing.  All she wants to do is write.  I have no doubt that she will be a published author some day.  She is amazing.

And I’m not the only one who thinks so, because last week she was awarded the Rev. Andrew C. Smith, S.J. Poetry Prize at the Honors Convocation at Spring Hill College, where she is a Junior.

I cried when I read the poem, which hit pretty close to home (you’ll see) especially considering what I had just written myself the day before.  But Emily doesn’t think it’s that great, and I had to beg her to let me publish it here.  If you disagree with her, please leave some love in the comments.

 

The Future is Out of Reach When I am Holding the Past in My Hands

Nothing turns my stomach like the acrid odor

Of charred photo albums

And the five waterlogged childhoods

Lying smeared and ashy within.

The leather of the albums cracks

Like a battered body,

Housing secret pain.

What the flames did not get to,

The hoses made short work of.

Scorched snapshots

Bleed ink and memories

That my mother cannot face.

Twenty-two years of marriage

A life

A family

And a history

Leak into the whorls of my fingerprints;

My newborn face

Grandmother’s blouse

The green of the hospital walls

Swirl together and muddy the waters

And stain the skin on my hands

Coloring my calluses

Losing this picture feels like losing her twice.

There is mildew on my first birthday card

And I could drown in all this roasted ink;

These charbroiled mementos

Of a time when we had no idea

what real suffering was.

I salvage the past two decades that no one else will touch.

Great-grandmothers grandfathers friends cats Christmas trees rocking horses china dolls wedding gowns school uniforms jack o’lanterns baptisms

Form a fine layer of ash beneath my fingernails.

My hands are black with what we’ve lost.